Lessons in begging

August 30 /08

If there's one thing I do well and am very successful at, it's begging. A meal doesn't go by that I don't get handouts at the table.

My family is actually petty strict about begging and I was taught at a very young age that it's annoying, plus it's futile. Well I'm here to tell you that's nonsense !

I spend several minutes a day begging, but not in the conventional sense of the word, and I get tons of food.

The thing is, we dogs have to know how to beg. We have to ask for food but make it look like we're not asking at all. It's tricky, but I've perfected the art of BEG (Be Endearing & Get). I don't bark, whine or whimper. I just put on my most pathetic face and stare, and throw in a few well-calculated moves. It works for me and I hope it'll work for you. I'm not promising you'll be as lucky as me but it's worth a try.

Look pathetic.


So I'm going to show you some of my begging techniques. Practice them in front of a mirror til you get them right, and, hopefully, you too will soon be chowing down people food every day.


Observe:

When the family sits down to a meal, stay away. Once they're distracted by conversation and food, make your move. Innocently walk over to the table and lay down next to the person with the most food on their plate. Pretend to fall asleep. Pretend to wake up. Make sure you're slobber-free -- no one with spitty clothes is going to give you a thing, except a napkin across the mouth. So with a clean face, gently place your head on their lap or arm, (if you're a short dog, put your head on their foot), and ......





....... stare them in they eye. Hold their gaze. Even if it's not your most flattering angle, they'll find you irresistible. Notice how the conversation suddenly turns from rocketing gas prices to what a cute dog you are. They'll probably go, "ooo ahhh" a lot. They may even take your picture. They'll find you totally appealing. This may earn you your first chunk of food.



Now get off the leg or arm, (or foot), sit up straight and start drooling. Widen your eyes like a puppy. Suck in your belly so you look skinny and starved. Stare them square in the eye and let the slobber drip. I don't know why, but they find this endearing and it boosts your chances of being fed.


If they haven't fed you yet, don't give up. Now, as your spit drips, let slobber bubbles form at the sides of your mouth. They think this is cute (???) and they'll laugh their heads off and inadvertently feed you. It's very funny to watch them giggle as their hand reaches into their plate and straight for your mouth. I don't even think they realize what they're doing. They're totally enchanted. OK, so when your bubbles are a decent size, you're ready for the ultimate BEG postition -- lift your paw and gently place it on their arm (or foot if you're short). Like this:

This is the most effective BEG manoeuver, and if you do it right, it's guaranteed to get you huge chunks of food plus all the leftovers in your bowl.




Good luck!

24 comments:

Noah the Airedale said...

G'day Chef,
You've got this begging capper down to a fine art. Thanks for the detailed instructions.

tailwags
Noah Willow Tess Lucy

Peanut said...

good lessons my friend. Oh tell your mama that her email went into our spam folder and we didn't get it until tonight and my mom is going to write her back tomorrow. We haven't been trying to ignore you. The lazy woman just never checks the spam folder.

Lacy said...

w00f's Chef, heehee me iz shure glad u teached me how to beg good...me thinks me gots it all down pat, except the droolie part...me not thinks me drools...

b safe,
~rocky~

Abby said...

Hi, Chef...

Thanks for the lesson...It sure seems to work...

I'll have to try the "Foot - Knee" Method...I'm a little vertically challenged...

Abby xxxooo

Mango said...

You are a total pro. You had momma pushing cookies at the pooter screen to try and feed your sad little face. You have so many moves. I am getting the mirror out right now to practice.

Slobbers,
Mango

Deefor said...

I've got to work on some of those techniques. I used to sit in my bearded owner's lap!!! when he ate. My mom made him stop that. Arrow sits on my mom's foot and she thinks that's very cute. I've given up. You inspire me.

Deefor

Eric said...

Chef, He,he! You have truly mastered the art of begging, you must of got a degree in it? Thanks for the valuable lessons,I will try to follow in your pawsteps from now on... but dude you are so good you almost had me fooled - I was almost tempted to pass over my dinner bowl to you ...

Wags, Eric

the 4 Bs said...

hi Chef, those are really detailed instructions. we are going to practice them and try it right away. you are really good at drooling. we hope that works for us. don't humans ever find that gross?

woofs.

Rambo said...

Chef,
you are such a smart dog! Thanks for the instructions. I think I am pretty good at the looking pathetic part, but I could try putting my head on their foot. I don't know how to drool yet, but I can work on that. I think!
Rambo

Gucci said...

Hehehehe Chef, thanks for the super good tips. I'm totally gonna try 'em out tonighttttt!! :-*

Lorenza said...

Hi, Chef!
Thanks for all those begging tips! I am going to practice them and I will tell you how it goes, ok?
Kisses and hugs
Lorenza

Moco said...

A true master. I would give you all the food on my plate.

Sunny,Scooter,Jamie said...

Oh my dog! That's incredable!!! Our Mom is soooo strict about that "We don't feed dogs from our plates,blah,blah,yada,yada" I watched her while she was reading this and I could totally see from the look on her face that you woulda had her. Hmmmmm. We really are going to have to work on this. Thanks for the most excellent lesson!

Hugs
Sunny & Scooter
ps we have a new blog. Come on by & see us when you have time.

Trailboss said...

Apparently my two girls have already had the lesson because they almost always receive handouts at dinner, lunch or breakfast.

Dewey Dewster said...

Chef...

yep I can see ya are a student of the "Get more handouts in less time with a little bit of effort". Ya know ya should take that show on the road...ya have it perfected....use that knowledge ta make a bit of money so ya can buy some of yer own bully sticks...or balls or stuffies....we know how ta do that too...why Gram and Pap are pushovers fer the sad eyes especially if ya look really pathetic.....

Dewey Dewster here....

Mango the Maltese kiddo said...

Thank you, thank you. I practiced your lesson and broke the non-feed-table-food house rules.
Ximui is always a slow learner but he looked so pathetic with his pathetic look!
I put my 2 paws at once on my dad's lap to ensure a good outcome. And before I drooled, guess what, I didn't bite the hand that fed me, hehe!

Gucci said...

Cheffie,

If our forces combined I can't even imagine all the tasty stuff we'd have in our food bowls!! I got some steak tonight ;] it was ultra mega yummy.

I DIDN'T GET TO GO SHOPPING YET...we went to the dogpark instead and I tried to pick fights with l'il black dogs so I got kinda grounded. UHH NOT MY FAULT THOSE DOGS WEREN'T SOCIALIZED GEEEEZE. :[

xxxoo.
gucci.

The Puppies said...

Hey chef! We are impressed with your begging skills!!! Especially the drool strings!! We are not that talented...usually we just have spit bubbles!!! :)

xoxoxox,
The Puppies

Mack said...

Chef,
Thanks so much for the BEGging pointers. I drool like that too and it makes the peeps laugh & hand over the grub - just like you said!

Mr. T-Bone Beasley said...

Chef!!!

I'm not nearly as lucky as you! I try and try to beg, but then I hear, "No Bease..." and I have to leave the eating grounds...It's crap I say...

Today my human is taking me to the vet. I've got these dry patches of skin on my like little bumps...but they are more like scabs...anyway, they don't bother me, but my human is curious as to what they are. Stupid human...didn't she know that Curiosity killed the cat???

Slurp!
Mr. T-Bone Beasley

Mango the Maltese kiddo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gaia the Airedale said...

Chef look at you! Pro beggar hehe. I definately think my momma would give you some treats with that face! Man, thanks for the tips too!

puppy breath,
-Gaia

Mr. T-Bone Beasley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mindy Lu said...

BARK!! That is a GREAT lesson. You are a good teacher. Mommy and daddy have strict rules for no food from the table, but the kitchen is a different story. We have perfected the "kitchen Linger", since we just "happen" to be in there to get our water!
BARK! Sasha the Princess!