Lessons in begging

August 30 /08

If there's one thing I do well and am very successful at, it's begging. A meal doesn't go by that I don't get handouts at the table.

My family is actually petty strict about begging and I was taught at a very young age that it's annoying, plus it's futile. Well I'm here to tell you that's nonsense !

I spend several minutes a day begging, but not in the conventional sense of the word, and I get tons of food.

The thing is, we dogs have to know how to beg. We have to ask for food but make it look like we're not asking at all. It's tricky, but I've perfected the art of BEG (Be Endearing & Get). I don't bark, whine or whimper. I just put on my most pathetic face and stare, and throw in a few well-calculated moves. It works for me and I hope it'll work for you. I'm not promising you'll be as lucky as me but it's worth a try.

Look pathetic.

So I'm going to show you some of my begging techniques. Practice them in front of a mirror til you get them right, and, hopefully, you too will soon be chowing down people food every day.

Observe:

When the family sits down to a meal, stay away. Once they're distracted by conversation and food, make your move. Innocently walk over to the table and lay down next to the person with the most food on their plate. Pretend to fall asleep. Pretend to wake up. Make sure you're slobber-free -- no one with spitty clothes is going to give you a thing, except a napkin across the mouth. So with a clean face, gently place your head on their lap or arm, (if you're a short dog, put your head on their foot), and ......

....... stare them in they eye. Hold their gaze. Even if it's not your most flattering angle, they'll find you irresistible. Notice how the conversation suddenly turns from rocketing gas prices to what a cute dog you are. They'll probably go, "ooo ahhh" a lot. They may even take your picture. They'll find you totally appealing. This may earn you your first chunk of food.

Now get off the leg or arm, (or foot), sit up straight and start drooling. Widen your eyes like a puppy. Suck in your belly so you look skinny and starved. Stare them square in the eye and let the slobber drip. I don't know why, but they find this endearing and it boosts your chances of being fed.

If they haven't fed you yet, don't give up. Now, as your spit drips, let slobber bubbles form at the sides of your mouth. They think this is cute (???) and they'll laugh their heads off and inadvertently feed you. It's very funny to watch them giggle as their hand reaches into their plate and straight for your mouth. I don't even think they realize what they're doing. They're totally enchanted. OK, so when your bubbles are a decent size, you're ready for the ultimate BEG postition -- lift your paw and gently place it on their arm (or foot if you're short). Like this:

This is the most effective BEG manoeuver, and if you do it right, it's guaranteed to get you huge chunks of food plus all the leftovers in your bowl.

Good luck!